there she goes again.

“Slowly I began to understand that I had been seeing God from such a narrow perspective. I had boxed God up and compartmentalized Him into thirty minutes each morning. But in reality, He had been waiting for me to realize that He had invaded all the parts of my day, if I would just pay attention.” – Nancy Ortberg.

He’s waiting for me, right now.

I spent the entire night freaking out, the getting mad with myself. And repeating the cycle. And getting antsy on the wonderful stimulant called caffeine, on which I overdosed on.

I shed tears. I complained. I vented.

But at the end of the day, my problem is not the workload.

My problem is the fact that I can’t see Jesus sitting next to me. It’s the fact that I can’t see God’s mighty hands carrying me through all this. It’s the fact that I want to carry my own burdens and not lay them down at the cross.

I need eyes that see more of God in my life. A heart that is willing to surrender. A soul blanketed and engulfed in knowing Him.

My problems won’t exactly go away. At least the ones involving a crazy workload and pressure to perform. But I will be able to face each trial with joy in my heart, physically tired but spiritually hopeful, anchored, always in Christ. steadfast and unwavering, I will walk on water.

I wonder, while drafting an important document and sipping my non-fat iced cafe latte, how on earth we’re going to get through all this madness.

I wonder why I must feel so guilty for carving out 12 days in total in December to take a break, and why I have this warped idea that rest is not an option.

I wonder why I can’t be superwoman like some people I know, and work endlessly and tirelessly.

I wonder too much about things I wind up having no answer to.

As such, I count myself as human, and conclude that because I am human, I cannot be SUPERwoman. Because I am human, I do not and will not know ahead of time, how we’ll get through these crazy months. Because I am human and I have my weaknesses and failings, I will feel guilty though I need not be.

But because I am human, I need God. I need Him, my source of strength, my hiding place. My comfort and my shelter. My provider, whose grace I know is sufficient for me. Who never leaves nor forsakes me. Who always keeps His promises and never breaks them.

And if I weren’t human, I wouldn’t be sitting here now, a product of His grace. I wouldn’t know how to put my trust in Him (or whatever little of it I have).

He will carry me through these days, I know. Will you let Him carry you through yours?

i just had a tiff with my dad, regarding me not wanting to go on a family holiday this december. it resulted in me storming out of the room, wiping tears off my face, squeaking, “i’m not good enough for you”, before proceeding to sob for a good half an hour on my bed. i’m still sitting next to my box of kleenex, by the way, in case the floodgates open again.

the truth is, i’ve spent about all 22 years of my life trying to please everyone i could possibly please. trying to be the perfect student, trying to be the perfect groupmate, the perfect this, the perfect that, the perfect daughter. and when i fall short of what i’ve set out to do, i begin to tell myself that i’m just not good enough. and my vain attempt to gain perfection and acceptance in the eyes of others has not ended.

so i walked away earlier, hurt and miserable, because i feel like i’m such a disappointment and such a letdown to my parents, not wanting to go on a holiday with them because i’m afraid my final year project will have to take a backseat. because i’m afraid my final year project groupmates will think that i am a letdown, and a disappointment as well, a non-team player who disappears during a most busy period. you know, i still feel so even as i write this.

because i’m so afraid of disappointing people and being rejected, i fall into misguided notions that i’m not my parents’ pride and joy, that i’m merely a piece of trash they’ve long forgotten about.

the truth is plain to see though. my daddy will still come to my school foyer tomorrow at 6pm to give me a ride home after class ends. he will still text message me on saturday night and tell me to call if i want a ride home after cell group. he will ask me, just like he did earlier, to eat something for dinner although i’m having the mother of all cramps and don’t want to consume even a spoonful of dinner.

my daddy is the man who changed my diapers and read ‘cinderella’ to me over and over again till i fell asleep when i was a little girl. he made sure i had a good education, and that i could go to university and not worry about paying off the tuition loans. he buys me brunch every saturday morning and lets me sleep in though he doesn’t approve of it. he rushed me to the hospital when i was critically sick and barely gasping for air and played worship songs to me from his mobile phone when i was half-conscious lying in the ICU with tubes and needles attached to every inch of skin on me. even though i have broken his heart an infinite number of times, he’ll still wake up and be my daddy tomorrow morning.

my daddy loves me, and i forget that.

my Daddy loves me too, so much that He sent His Son to die for me and take away all the sin in me, today, yesterday and for the rest of my life. my Daddy loves me so much that He never breaks His promises. my Daddy loves me so much that He gave me my daddy. and even though i have shattered His heart countless times, He still forgives me and patiently waits for me, His prodigal daughter, to arrive home.

my Daddy loves me, and i forget that too.

i might be 22, but tonight i am all of two years old, sitting in bed, hugging a tear-soaked pillow, waiting for her Daddy to say, “everything is alright, I love you. now sleep tight, everything will be better in the morning.”

i love how the thoughts running through my mind and my heart these few days are perfectly captured in these lyrics, in a different language. 我却低神是我的力量！

我的盼望 就在耶稣基督里 在祢里面满有平安
生命泉源 就在耶稣基督里 有主在我里面活着

我宣告在我里面的 比世上一切更有能力
我不属这世界 我高举耶稣的名
我宣告在我里面有 活水涌流满有能力
有耶稣在我里面活着 我勇敢站立

有主在我里面 没有惧怕 能战胜仇敌
有主在我里面 没有惧怕 还得胜有余

and this brings to mind the verse from Psalm 46 which has stuck with over the weekend: God our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in time of need. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way!

and though my world is less than perfect, and though i see a future which is less than bright, i know that the One who lives in me is greater than me, and i will stand firm and take each step boldly by faith.

ugly.

unwanted.

unlovable.

worthless.

stupid.

useless.

i need the voices in my head to vanish permanently.

my craft mojo is back!

can’t post pictures in case the recipients find it, but am so pleased that i managed to make a wedding card and a baby card tonight for the first time. hopefully, the first of many to come in the next decade! love weddings, love welcoming little ones to the world, so it’s perfect that i get to make both at the same time (not for the same recipient though!)

the best part – they’re NOT in pastel colours! pastel colours, i find very bland and boring. and used to death. so hello red+black+white wedding card and brown+blue+green baby card.

can’t wait for Christmas – tags and cards in bulk!

“with one hand i pull You closer, with the other i push You away. if i could have two hands doing the same thing – lifted highter, lifted highter.” – jars of clay, two hands.

how true it is, how i always want to draw near to Christ, become distrustful and reject His embrace. if only my hands could always be raised in unison, in praise and in awe, in worship and adoration. that would be a most beautiful sight to behold.

last night i was reminded that we constantly need to be thankful, in good times and bad alike. its through giving thanks that we realise how great God is, and we remember that He has a special place in our lives. it reminds us that God is ever present, always here. walking beside each one of us, holding our hands as we journey through life on us.

today i am thankful.

thankful that He armed me with boldness to walk around my school buidling praying aloud (with a friend). boldness and courage i never thought a scaredy-cat like me could have.

thankful that He worked through me as i led worship at crossroads last night. despite the fact that this is maybe the third time i’ve attended the meeting since i was a freshman, and despite the fact that i have no idea on how to lead worship.

thankful for sleeping like a baby for the past couple nights; it’s as if He has soothed me and put me to bed each night, and allowed me to awaken, fresh and ready for a new day most of the time.

thankful that He is paving routes for us in my final year project, and i feel that the project is shaping up to be rather exciting, even if i get tired of it at times. especially thankful for bringing a contact i’ve known from my YOG days into the picture, and making me so comfortable even talking to her over the phone.

thankful for my wonderful DG and my DGL, dorothea because it’s really nice to have a group of people to study the bible and pray and share with who really understand what’s going on at least on the school front of things. and because sometimes when one does all the leading and stuff in church, it’s nice to just sit down and be led by someone.

thankful for having a safe and cosy home to return to, and especially for my messy pigsty of a room! my mom gave me the chance to shift to the attic room but i love my room too much.

thankful for Singapore and the fact that God is blessing us so abundantly with safety and security, politically, socially and also from the scary looking natural disasters that have plagued our neighbours. i definitely believe that it’s more than just a convenient geographical location, but that God’s hand is upon us and that for some reason i don’t yet realise, He is blessing us so much more than we, an often ungodly people, deserve!

thankful for life and for breath and simply because i am sitting here typing this.

and most of all, like the song that popped into my head as i made my way to school, for all You’ve done.

what good is it walking out of my uni campus with a degree if i’ve not made a difference for Christ in the school i have been placed?

there is half a year to go before i say goodbye to NTU (discounting convocation day).

why have i wasted so much time?