love them like Jesus.

have we been so busy running, doing and serving, that we’ve forgotten the loving?

must things come to an abrupt halt and must danger signs flash in our faces like neon signs, before we start to even consider the notion of loving each other as brother and sister? why do we always, always wait for something unpleasant to happen before we leap into action?

in His ministry, Jesus placed much emphasis on love. not love as a warm and fuzzy feeling, but love as a verb, an action word. to extend grace to someone we dislike, to provide a warm hug and a listening ear to someone who’s heartbroken, to lift up each other as brothers and sisters in prayer and spur each other on. so it’s a tad hypocritical that we usually forget to truly love one another until disaster strikes.

and i too, am guilty. i am as guilty as anyone, when it comes to this.

tonight it is my prayer that not only i, but you, remember Jesus’ call, “love one another as I have loved you.” to love each other like Jesus loves us. not by the finite human love we have within our hearts, but with the mighty, all-consuming, indefinite love of Christ, knowing that He has written each of our names on His palm, not with water-soluble ink that washes off, but with the indelible blood of Christ, and that He loves you, and them, more.

love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
just know that He loves them, and stay by their side.

next week will be most exciting, with more FYP rushing, but TWO job interviews lined up for tuesday and wednesday. my stomach was seriously doing backflips and cartwheels when the phone call came (or rather when i returned the phone call; i’d been in class and hadn’t heard my phone buzz).

i still don’t know where all this is going to lead, but i am pretty darn excited to go in and do my best to wow the interviewers. i hope i don’t stammer like i did when jac interviewed me back at SYOGOC.

but really all i can do is prep my documents, read up a little on the organisations i’m being interviewed at, take a deep breath, and draw all my strength from Him.

i do hope though, it will not be my frail human voice speaking then, but rather, His mighty one enabling me all the time. and that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, that i will proclaim proudly, “all glory goes to God”.

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my first potential employer got back to me, way ahead of when i expected it. i take it as a good thing that they’ve sent an official application form for me to fill in. it’s as if a door is slowly opening, but i must not expect too much. i can just hope.

i will fill it in, e-mail it back, and wait, always remembering to keep faith.

only He knows what lies ahead and only He can lead me there. and so i will wait, patiently.

the great job hunt: a reminder of God’s faithfulness.

as suggested by the title of this post, i’ve begun looking for a job. graduation looms and it’s about time i begin thinking of how to take flight and prepare to one day, leave the nest.

it’s not easy, and i say that although i’ve barely started. my grades are less than stellar (not displaying my paltry GPA here), and i don’t do well for the subjects that matter (my core classes – things like media management and media law).

i look at job openings online regularly, and i went for a career fair in school today. most of the time, it’s just pretty humdrum. you know, i look at things and think, “hey, i could do that”, but seconds later i wonder if that’s really where my heart lies. and once in a while, something comes along that sends my heart all a-flutter, and something tugs at it, telling me to go for it, and give it a shot. and i’m dumbfounded, because i don’t know if that’s going to be the path for me.

there are definitely options i’m keen to explore, and not merely for the prospect of prestige, status and money. as i was telling a friend earlier, i’m perfectly fine with drawing a slightly lower pay if i work for an organisation or a cause i agree with, i identify with. for something good, for something which benefits a community.

perhaps this is a mechanism God has placed within me, and is just beginning to emerge as i attempt to move out of this phase of my life. and perhaps too, this is a sign that i must keep seeking, keep praying, keep hanging on to faith even if i feel things are too uncertain and i want to grab control of things.

the other night, i asked my mum, “what if i can’t find a job?” (pardon me, the job hunt is a bit of an obsession and it often becomes a favourite dinner table topic for me to raise).

she replied, most wisely, “you’ll find one. God will provide.” or something to that extent because my goldfish memory fails me again.

and maybe i’ve forgotten that. that He has provided for me all my life. born into a good home with loving parents who’ve provided financially for me for the past 22 and a half years of my life. a good education. an (almost!) honours degree. and He’ll certainly provide that job for me. He’ll certainly provide the path which i am to take. just not in my time, which is defined by impatience, but in His own perfect, beautiful time.

till then, i sing:

great is Thy faithfulness,
great is Thy faithfulness.
morning by morning new mercies i see.
all i have needed Thy hand hath provided…

great is Thy faithfulness, God unto me.

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like the prophet isaiah, i am of unclean lips.

yet these eyes of mine have seen the King, this heart of mine has tasted His goodness, grace and mercy.

and He calls me to go forth and take the place of a leader. His servant-leader amongst the people i’m called to serve.

and like isaiah, i say, “here i am, send me.” in spite of the fact that i feel more like moses as he faced the burning bush – trembling in fear, engulfed in cowardice. in spite of the fact that at times, i behave like jonah, turning my back and running in the opposite direction as a first response. in spite of the fact that i am like simon peter, walking on water one minute, sinking the next. professing to love Jesus at one moment, and denying Him the next.

it has never been said or shown, that God used a perfect man apart from Jesus to do His work. paul, simon peter and king david are some of the bible characters i respect and admire most. but they were not perfect. paul, a prejudiced murderer before his encounter with Christ at the road to damascus. simon peter, a loudmouth who never thought before he spoke. king david, an adulterer, yet called a man after God’s own heart at the end of his life on earth.

God used them, unquestionably.

So then, what makes me think that He cannot take my life, and let his light shine through the cracks i see?

i wonder why i have such a greatly functional need to bear guilt and blame for every single thing. even when something is a result of different circumstances colliding at the wrong point, i simply must look at myself and tell myself that i bear the burden.

when will i learn that i am not Jesus who shouldered the shame and guilt of the world on His shoulders as He hung on a crucifix at Calvary?

when will i learn that’s its not always my fault, and that even when it is, He already paid the price for me?

and as a sidenote, perhaps for once, can someone please show me what i’m good at, so i don’t keep on believing that i’m some good-for-nothing wastrel?

good enough

there i go, screwing everything up again. nothing was done right, let alone perfect. and i have just messed up huge time on the most important project of my undergrad life.

it’s pointless to tell me that it’s a learning experience, and all that crap because i’ve heard it all before. it’s also pointless (right now, at least) to tell me to just do my best for the next one because my confidence is at a staggering -100% now.

cried all the way home in the car, for a good 20 minutes or so. if you don’t know, i cry because of every other thing. because i’m stressed, because i’m angry, because i’m upset, because i’m happy. my tear ducts are very well-used indeed.

as i sniffed into a wad of tissues, an old, familiar voice whispered sinisterly into my ear:

you’re not good enough, daena. not smart enough. you can’t even handle a simple group discussion like your groupmates can. obviously you’re the worst groupmate they could ask for – stupid, and incompetent. you can’t do anything of worth to anyone or anything. you’re nothing, just a piece of dirt. you’re obviously not good enough.

and i thought these were words i’d overcome, that i’d never have to hear again. i thought the tears i shed were tears i’d never experience again. obviously, i still have issues.

i’ve never been the most confident person. i don’t look people in the eye when i speak to them because i just can’t. i fidget when i speak to strangers. i hate making presentations but pretend to like them anyway. i put on false bravado to hide the cowering child within me. i belittle myself very often. there was a period of time when i removed my full-length mirror from my bedroom wall because i didn’t want to look at my reflection. i focus on what i cannot do, rather than what i’m good at. and come to think of it, i don’t know what i’m good at in the first place. i compare myself with others, and choose to pick up on what they’re good at and what i can’t do.

most of the time, i just can’t see that i’m special. not special in a mocking sense, but special in the way that God made me and wired me to be. sure, i have weaknesses. sure, there’s a lot of things which don’t come naturally to awkward ol’ me, but there are good things which are unique to me, i think. and these are the things i don’t see in myself at all.

i don’t know why God loves me, but He says He does anyway. i don’t know how God could love a person like me, who can’t even love herself and come to terms with who she is. but He does, anyway.

and that love is something i’m still most unsure of sometimes, and especially at times like tonight, when all i can see is a pile of dirt staring at me in the aforementioned full-length mirror on my bedroom wall. yes, i’m totally incapable of doing good on my own. but there is one thing i need to constantly remind myself to remember, as someone i respect very much put it…

i am “good enough for Christ to die for“. and that is one truth that cannot be refuted, and cannot be overthrown by the Evil One, no matter how hard he tries.

genesis 1: an adaptation

in the beginning, God created the heavens…

and the earth.

He made the waters…

and painted them in different hues, creating them to take different forms.

He crafted plants and flowers, some delicate and ethereal in their beauty…

others strong and sturdy, with branches always reaching for the sun’s light.

He is the master sculptor, carving through mountains to create wonders like this.

and then there are the beasts of the earth, of which some are fluffy and white or black…

but also the feathery, winged kind which dominate the skies.

only a God so wonderful, mighty and creative could have put together the earth we tread on each day. only He can paint the sky hundreds of different colours each day, each season. only He can command the winds to move, the tides to move, the flowers to bloom, the birds to fly. and it is amazing to just think that one day, mountains will bow before Him and acknowledge His majesty.

but only a God so wonderful, who created the skies, and seas, rivers and mountains, trees and animals could assure us with this sign.

a symbol of His enduring promises to us, His faithfulness which has seen us through the days passed, and which will accompany us through the days and weeks and months yet to come. yes, He is powerful, awesome and mighty, but His heart is for us.

so He will show us, again. and as we gaze in wonderment, our hearts swell in praise and adoration, and we lift our hearts to the God who is eternally faithful.

at the crossroads

so it’s a new year.

and new years are supposed to bring with them hope and resolutions. i ushered in 2010 sleeping in a hotel bed in rotorua, new zealand, absolutely knackered after a day of sunshine and blue skies, sheep and kiwi birds and other wonderful things only holidays can bring.

but after a flight back to changi airport, everything came charging back at me.

FYP, with our focus groups having commenced today and a crazy January ahead of me.

ministry, with lots of changes in the midst and in complete disorder with no clear plan ahead.

but most notably, my impending life post-graduation looms so near, and again i have no idea what lies ahead, what paths i should take. a nice cushy office job, or something more challenging, more impactful?

it’s as if my life has come to a point where i need to carefully consider the route i embark on next, after years of being sheltered and provided for. it’s as though it’s time to leap out of the nest and take flight, and although i wish to soar through the sky like an eagle, magnificent and confident, i don’t even know how to flap my wings.

the only thing i hold with me going into 2010 is the promise that God will never leave or forsake me, and that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. that He holds my future, and that’s enough for me to know.

still the human mind knows no boundaries and i wonder too much. i wonder if i’ll be a corporate high-flyer strutting around in power-suits and pointy-toed stilettos attending important meetings everyday, or perhaps something more humble. i wonder if i’ll be single and carefree all my life, or if i’ll one day settle down and start a family of my own (and i’m not referring to cats or dogs). i wonder if i’ll be seduced and enchanted by the ways of the world, or if i’ll still run after God everyday of my life.

the point is, the future’s not mine to see. and although i yearn to catch a glimpse into what’s going to happen 10, 20 years down the road, i probably am not going to. the months ahead are blurry, unclear. i’m excited about what is to come, yet anxious and confused at the same time. sometimes i’m filled to the brim with hope, and at others i fear the worst.

He tells me though, to be strong and courageous. to not be fearful or dismayed. because He walks with me wherever i go, and He will not leave me or forsake me.

and He keeps His promises, always.