wonder where this will take me.

can’t wait to plunge right in, because my heart has ached for this for months.

God, take me by the hand and lead me.

restless heart

because i don’t understand why my work matters anymore.

when all i feel is that whatever i’ve tried to do has failed, that i have failed as a person. that i haven’t lived up to expectations, and that i’ve failed to meet the benchmark.

enough of the ‘Jesus took away the yardstick’ talk for now. i can’t stay here, can’t do this anymore. not coz i don’t want to, but i see no point in doing it when i just end up shouldering the portfolios ‘nobody wants to do’. at the end of the day, i’m the office slave who gets no merit for anything, just a bunch of volunteers who are ‘useless’.

i’ve always had a heart for developing people, for uncovering buried gems. but seriously, when everything is so damn futile, what’s the point?

the truth is, the past year has left me disillusioned and jaded, and while there have been firm friends made and new passions found, i think it’s high time to look ahead.

they tell me it’s all in His hands, all in His time.

i’m running out of patience. and my hands are outstretched to the heavens, asking for just a little more grace to live through each long, draggy night till dawn breaks.

this made me tear, just a little.

http://makingmum.blogspot.com/2011/01/thinking-thursdays-from-christian.html

read it, and you’ll see a mother’s heart for her child.

one that my mom had for me.

one that i hope that if ever i have a kid, will be my own desire.

This unsettlement in the core of my being stirs more often than it perhaps should.

A yearning for something more, a quiver of intense longing for something other than where I’ve been placed. Despite the gripes and complaints, life has been good to me. I stand corrected. God has been good to me. All the time.

Yet it feels like life only begins after 6pm. When there are meetings to attend to, e-mails to read, people to meet and things to write. It is then that my heart feels engaged in what truly matters, my mind buzzes with inspiration (sometimes) divine.

It’s not as though the way I make a living doesn’t allow me to make a positive impact on lives out there. It does, in so many ways. I just wish I could do more than this allows me to. Somewhat mismatched, this job and I. And it leaves me hankering for something bigger, something deeper, something that keeps me going .

I want to smile idiotically when I talk about what I do at work, not gripe about it. I want to appear each morning at the workplace (or most mornings, at least) fresh and ready to begin a new day, eager to receive new challenges. I’ve learned so much in the last 7 months, but the desire to move elsewhere still stays with me, and it is no passing phase but a decided yearning placed in my heart.

I’m afraid to take the step I want to take, to leap out of the boat and walk on the water but it’s something I know I must do, a challenge I need to face, a change which must be effected.

It’s frightening, but here I go anyway.

 

 

another place.

one of my favourite pieces by (the very emo) boey kim cheng, but that resonates with the battle within my self now.

—

Another place, another life, another book,

we go on without a return ticket, on the train of the vanished song, the elusive lines unlocking

a whole library of meaning, our lives shelved in comprehensive oder, for us who will arrive

clothed in dust and dusk, to sit at the appointed desks

and pore over the pages, search out the threa

stringing together all arrivals and departers

which our hands will tell, over and over,

as if in prayer, as if in peace.

 

-Boey (1992)

We were meant to live for so much more. Have we lost ourselves? Somewhere, we live inside.

- Wise words from Switchfoot.

That’s all I came here to say.

moments of twentyten.

2010 was by far, one of the roughest years i’ve been through. a year fraught with tears, breakdowns and depression. but laughter and smiles alike. selected moments of the past year, captured in picture. to remember always, and to remind me of my Father’s goodness to me despite all the grief i put Him through. it has truly been a blessed year, no matter what has happened and i trust Him to bring me through the next 365 days, safe and sound.

—

1. the final year paper. blood, sweat, tears and about a gazillion panic attacks, midnight milo breaks over msn, and an infinite number of heated arguments. that A- on my transcript was totally unimaginable, and i’ll never forget how geraldine and i screamed and cheered and msn-ed each other in utter disbelief when we checked our results. miracles happen, not just coz we pulled through, but because the friendship our little trio made has remained intact, even now.

2. Kukup with the CS gang. we went a little unconventional, since we already booked ourselves separate holidays. shihui to taiwan, geraldine to japan and myself to hongkong. a weekend getaway during which we slept, stuffed ourselves silly, played with sparklers at 1am, blew bubbles on our chalet verandah and taught darell to play bridge, with disastrous results was the perfect end to our uni days. and an affirmation that we’ll be firm friends for some time to come.

3. hongkong with cindy (and some really awesome cs folks). my second trip to one of my favourite cities ever. H&M galore! dim sum, star ferry rides and my first and last rollercoaster ride ever. but the best moment of the trip (which i won’t forget) was that conversation with an american in our hostel, and how it made me want to see the world. correction – MAKES me want to see the beautiful world God created for me to explore.

4. the day i donned a harry-potter like robe and went to hogwarts graduated from university. the above picture captures the whole sentiment perfectly. a little elation, a little excitement, and a little shock that our lives as broke students had come to an end and we were now officially broke working adults.

5. starting work at BBHQ. one of the best and worst decisions of my life, for reasons i shan’t elaborate on. it’s a blessing to be able to spend my days working toward blessing others, and for the time i continue to spend there, i pray that God will enable the work of my hands to touch the hearts of others. and i must add, it’s been a really amazing year celebrating 80 years of God’s faithfulness and goodness to the Brigade!

6. being enrolled as a BB officer. something i never thought i’d do, ever, in my wildest dreams. but if this is where God placed me for now, so be it. the course was really fun (though i had to coordinate it) and the new friends and fellow servants met are much valued.

7. meeting little david. when we found out dotz was going to be a mommy we got so excited, and of course her loving DG jumped at the chance to come over for pizza and to play with the precious wee one. he’s such an adorable boy and i can’t wait to see how he grows up, hopefully a man after God’s own heart as his namesake was.

8. sayonara sydney. my much-loved furball passed away this year. i miss her morning squeaks and eager sniffs of my finger when i filled her bowl with grains and her cage with fresh hay every morning. a little guinea pig taught me so much about unconditional trust and love, and i’m glad she was in my life if only for a fleeting bit.

9. the last year with gofish. as an official small group leader. and i’ll always, always love these kids. after all, i’m practically their mom. okay, big sister really. they have a place in my heart that nothing can replace. and that’s special. they taught me so much more than i taught them, and i really thank God for bringing them into my life for the last six years, and many more to come.

10. christmas at tim’s with my cell group. i don’t care how much things change, or how we won’t be together as a group all our lives. i just thank God for the moments we’ve shared and the fact that i have them to share our lives. those are so precious, and that night of laughter and chatter was just what i needed to close the year.

so that was just a snippet of what 2010 brought. but right now, it’s a fresh start, a new slate for all of us. wiped clean each morning, not just each year by a loving God. i say whatever 2011 brings, Daddy bring it on! because i know His staff and rod are with me, guiding me into lush green pastures to rest, guiding me through the furnace or waters, and that His faithfulness surrounds my every step.

and because He lives now, i can face tomorrow. all of my tomorrow.

bolstered by confidence in who my God is, i know, i know that i can face 2011 with courage.

Satisfied

“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone – to have a deep soul relationship with another. But God to a Christian says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me – exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and on goings. I want you to have the very best. Please allow me to bring it to you – just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things – keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I have to tell you – you must wait.”

“Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I’ve given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking up at me, or you’ll miss what I have to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any would dream. You see, until the one I have for you is ready at the same time, until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me… and this is perfect love.”

“And dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. I know that I love you utterly. I am the Lord Almighty. Believe and be satisfied.”

Heilig, heilig, bist du Herr, derr Allmächtige.

Würdig ist das Lamm, würdig ist das Lamm denn du bist heilig.

Das solle für immer mein Lied sein.

looking back and ahead all at once.

this photo my dad took of me, fixing my hair on the day of my university graduation pretty much sums up how i feel now, how i’ve felt all year. i don’t remember much about that crowded, busy robing room, except helping darell to fix little safety pins on her gown, calling geraldine non stop to make sure she was on time for the ceremony and oh, looking into that mirror, wondering how four years could have flown by so swiftly while ensuring my eyeliner hadn’t smudged.

as i looked into the mirror that early morning, bleary-eyed yet thrilled and excited about reaching that longed-for milestone in my life, i still saw a little girl.

a little girl dressed in a favourite pink tee and denim overalls, carrying a pink umbrella with rabbits on it. she loved to read, loved to build sandcastles at the playground.

a movie of this little girl’s life raced through my mind – years in school, learning english and arithmetic, mandarin and science. digging through shakespeare’s romeo and juliet, scribbling notes about russian czars and world war two. she moved on to drawing graphs depicting the phenomenon of demand vs. supply, analyzing passages from jane eyre and dracula, furiously writing term papers in the dead of the night, preparing presentation slides till the wee hours of the morning, and swotting for finals at the very last minute.

and at the end of that fast forwarded movie, the girl had grown up and was looking herself in the eye, checking that every strand of hair was in place before the mortar board went on her head.

yet in that mirror, staring straight back at me, defiantly hopeful, were the years that lie ahead of me. a future so tangible i could reach out and touch it with my bare hands, yet so elusive it wouldn’t reveal itself to me just yet.

fast forward another few months and here i am, tired, disgruntled and slightly worn out, wondering if i have been indeed led to the right path. there are times when i feel like throwing in the towel, packing up my work station and walking out that door teary-eyed. but five months on, i know this labour has a purpose, a meaning, and it’s my time to be here, if He has placed me where i am right now. five months on, i am stronger, and surer of where He wants me to be in time to come. He shows me bit by bit, where my heart is.

my heart may yearn for other pastures, but He tells me to be content where i am, and that my time to move will come surely as He leads this little lamb on.